Ponders...

I have been thinking about life lately. Again? You may ask, lol. Yes, indeed. I always fail to comprehend why people often perceive life as something very complicated, continuing dwelling in matters which they regarded as "failure", dissapointment, turbulence... I have been dealing with negative people, perhaps that also include myself at times.

I am studying dissapointment in a close distance, but how could we get away from it? Except from overcoming it? Maybe by setting lower expectations? Isn't that failing to get the expected outcomes often set disappointment? Questions...which could have many possible answers. Many people are living with limitations of accepting their weaknesses. They like to acknowledge their strengths, but fear to speak of the weakness. But isn't part of us too? Our identity? If life is about mere pleasure, happiness then it's more like a programmed routine. There is nothing much to expect.

Confronting weakness could be quite a challenge, but effective to keeps things going more positively. Realising it or not, we live in all sort of cravings. You may be craving for ice-cream today, some may have craving on big money, posh cars, reputation, romance, achievements... All these cravings make people think they can't live without "them" anymore. Because these are what we defined as "goals" in life. Maybe without realising it we have actually lost conscious that these could be things we can live or live without.

I was reading this fact recently that more than half of the world population is living in poverty; living with no more than $2 a month. This means every 2 babies are born, 1 is destined to live in poverty. So many people died in disasters like the recent tsunami, earthquake. They become homeless, family less, goals less....at this point, what else matters? Apart from family and simplicity to live on. These people strive to stay alive with the basic; and amazingly everytime when I think about it, I am so grateful I am not the one destined to starvation and poverty. Everything I get in my life, is a bonus.

We all may define and live our life in our own sophisticated ways. But it's always important to add a little more contentment and gratitude into it. That could be the way to a more positive and constructive life. Besides, how would we know what is coming tomorrow? What matters is present, that's the moment you have control in.

老朋友

带着淡淡的回忆，
想起。。。
一起疯狂过，
一起哭过，
一起度过无数让人回忆的时光。。
啊，老朋友。

现在，你们都过得还好吗？
真怀念和你们在一起的日子。
成长是不是也把我们的快乐和天真带走了呢？
希望带走的不是我们的友谊。

无论你们在那里，
我都祝福你们。
快乐，幸福。

30th Bday

It just passed....that once in a year big day. None of my family or relatives nor him is around...but it was ok. It was just another day in your life I guess, but a day to ponder about, to be grateful. As usual, parents forget about it again haha, I guess when you get older this is what happened, perhaps. I gave some treat to myself, as usual for every year, and am planning for something bigger for next year. But I guess all I want is something pretty simple, my wish before blowing the candle last night was "i wish i have a happy life"...just that. Life could be simple...and it is simple anyway, I believe. Gratefulness is an attitude to life. and thanks people around me for making me special.

The beginning

Time seems to fly. It's 12th September to date, I feel I am still in trance...and...it's almost October! Maybe some little celebration for myself, get myself some nice presents. I have found my new "target" for birthday as usual, but not sure of the price as yet. I hope it won't cost me a bomb! Or maybe a dynamite!

There seems more plans to be materialised and I am working on them. I can sense good things are coming...though not extremely sure how "good" the content may turn out to be. Working life is alright, nothing too exciting, nothing too stressful, it's just fine, at least at this very point. Not sure what to hope for, just lazing and see what's next, I guess, life's good and am enjoying it. :)

家

突然想起，小时候很喜欢唱的一首歌，

“我想要有个家，一个不需要华丽的地方，
在我疲倦的时候，我会想到它。
我想要有个家，一个不需要多大的地方，
在我受惊吓的时候，我才不会害怕。
谁不会想要家，可是就有人没有它。
脸上流着眼泪，只能自己轻轻擦。。”

这旋律不断的在我脑海里，
我突然有些感触。
有着一点的伤感，
想起了我的家。

我的家，
它不嫌弃我的不足，
它接受我的过错，
它给我爱，给我温暖，
抚养我长大。

试问天底下，还有什么地方像家？
我好想家。。
想念妈妈的呵护，
想念爸爸的教导，
想念弟弟的吵闹，
想念婆婆的唠叨，
原来，这就是幸福。

我累了，
想回家了。

我领悟到，
累了有家回，真好！

快乐的意义

这是献给我关心的人。希望你们幸福。

快乐与否，
你选着了哪个？

小时候，“快乐”这两个字，
不过是个容易写的形容词，
有什么了不起的。
快乐不就笑嘻嘻，
不快乐就苦包脸，
童年啊，
何必思考这么多？

渐渐的我发现，
快乐背后的意义，
哪有这么容易看得透。

小时候，
我们因为自己而快乐，
我们以自己的成就为荣，
不知在我们成长的哪个阶段，
我们开始把快乐建立在别人身上。

小时候的天真已逝去，
我们的想法也改变了，
我们开始变得自私，我们开始对我们的主见执著，
我们开始变得无理，我们开始建立快乐在别人身上。

好像全世界的人都欠了你似的，
他们可有责任去负责你的快乐?
这是习惯性的犯错吗？

我们常因面子，自尊，任性而毁掉快乐，
那样不值得的错，你还再犯吗？

快乐不应该是要别人符合你的要求。

你可了解原来，
快乐是需要自己掌握的。

这么简单的道理，
你看透了吗？

Finally...

15th June, was the day. A decision wanted to be made for long....I wonder if I would ever regret what I have done, but until today, a month has passed. I very much feel that I have made the right move. I don't really know what is right; neither what is wrong. Maybe there is no definite answer either, it's just how we choose the path of live, isn't it?

Now, I am on a very laid-back and untaxing mode. Not much stress on work, everything seems in control, or it's just a lacking feeling of ownership since I am leaving? Neither motivated nor demotivated, I just feel neutral but still trying to give the best in whatever tasks I am doing now. There is a mixture of feeling which I can't explain, yet am trying to accept things in life with equanimity and composure.

I can't see clearly what is exactly infront. I can't say that I am extremely happy about the new job. I can't guarantee that it may not be another stepping stone. Confused with some personal issues, I am back to the point where, I am not exactly sure of the direction of my life. On my plate, I am not as yet bound with incumbrance. So, what is the next level? Get a condo? Go into investment? Wonder where would I be in another 5, 10, 15 years?

Anyway, regardless what the future lies, I am still in my happy disposition, am I?? I am always cheerful and goofy, or should I say I always loook cheerful and goofy. The least I hope, I am not lying to myself that I am having a felicitous life.

Slimmer neck??

Slimmer and longer neck! No idea why lolz, the slimming doesn't go to my body!

My indulgence

It was some time in the afternoon,

It was some day in the office,

I was looking infront of my laptop,
These clusters of.....

haha, my little indulgence at office.

Soon, they are shifting too,

Where to? To my new office ofcourse =)

明天会如何？

终于下定了决心，去做某些决定。
我不知道这决定是好还是坏。
决定了，就该向前迈进，是吧？

放不下的东西，到头来还是要放下不是吗？
有些改变了的事，好像怎么也回不到从前了。。
还该执著吗？我很迷茫，我不知别人在想什么，
我或许已经那样骗了我自己好久。。
我何必那么顾虑别人的想法？
现在就为自己而活。。

我会努力的！

Crossroads

Everybody is talking about resigning in office.
Everbody is talking about their frustration in office.
Everybody is talking about the same subjects, the "stick", or the "roundy" in office.
And, the list goes on....

It never ends.
Am working in an environment where I have to deal with very sissy, calculative antie, who basically not able to think out of the box. Also have to deal with someone who could be nominated best actress in Oscar. It's tiring. Office politics, I wonder if I am good at it, I guess nope, I am not. If I have to work with high level of alertness, high level of defence mode and bearing some demotivation, frustration, and feeling not that appreciated...how worth is it to stay for the pay cheque, and maybe for the fat allowance?

I was so tempted to tender my resignation. I don't know if it's the right choice. Well, the least, I tried to be rational and did some self-evaluation. Thinking of my high spending style, and looking at my bank statement, errrr....in between rational and emotional (I suppose I need to choose rational???) It's recessioning, that's the difficult part. But, what's the point of dragging your feet to work...indulging in negative force in office, listening to the complaints others have towards the different subjects? ahhh, it's a matter of time. And I am waiting, when the right time is triggered, I believe there is still a better side out there to be explored.

Wish me luck everyone!

Life...

Last night, I went gathering with some old friends. One of them, who is in dillemma, parent is now half paralyzed due to stroke. Now, she is fighting against family issues, financial difficulties as well as acommodation issue. The next morning, I was telling this to my mum, she just informed me that one of my relative was hospitalized due to some health issues.

Come to think about it, life...is truly full of the unexpected. I should be grateful with what I have today, shouldn't I? One of the things I came to learn about lately is that, make the fullest of every part of life while you still can. I think I have widen my perspective towards many things...maybe, that would put myself in a better position. Some of the things I understand that I have to let go, for the better. Some of the things are meant to happen no matter what. It's life...and we are meant to take it whatever form, whatever shape, whatever dimension. I guess, that's what make our life colourful...

No more...

Going through some serious depression, trying to get through some serious frustration, thinking of a good vacation.....ahh, life! At points, I am still, very lost. I haven't progressed ever since my last few blogs. The depression came on and off, bringing me up and down. Ironically knowing what is right but doing something wrongful. This is what we called life?

I am facing problems dealing with my own emotions, composing my own direction and getting solution for my depression. Tonight I felt I totally lost control over myself....after such a long time. I haven't had such a feeling, the melancholy mood just swept over me. I broke down and cried, but crying, is not going to solve anything for me? I urge myself to be realistic and rational to deal with the current crossroads.

There were a lot of negative feelings coming at once tonight, inferiority, low self-esteem, pessimism...there was this eruption of anger, depression, frustration inside. There were mixture of so many feelings, I couldn't understand what emotion state I am going through currently. After the crying, it was monotone within. I just feel that I want to go far from here, to the beach, to the mountain, to the valley, to wherever and shout my lung out or a field where I could keep on running until I couldn't feel my feet, could I?

I want to run away from here....and keep on running....wonder where these running are bringing me? Should I be bothered? Nah....

迷茫。。

很想要放下这里的一切，然后回家去了。
心里有很多的失望，有很多的迷惑，
仿佛，前方已被蒙蒙的雾遮住了。
我要往哪一个方向走，哪里开始，哪里停步，
何去何从。。

我好像已没有可以哭得眼泪了，
是心酸，还是心痛，
我，只是感觉到麻木。
对任何事我不起劲，
那样的生活，
过得下去吗？
唉。。

寂寞，
多想有一个人和我一起走，
给我安慰，给我扶持，
给我一点的方向感。

我感觉好累，
想停下来了。。
什么都不做。。
什么都不理。。
要是可以的话，多好。。

四眼妹

动了手术后，虽然，眼筋纠正了，却也把我变成了四眼妹。。。起先，很不习惯，没带眼镜头就很晕。 因为左眼和右眼近视相差得太远的关系。有些朋友说带了眼睛看起来比较斯文，有些朋友就打趣的说很像professor。真好笑。不过，过了一个星期，我也渐渐习惯做四眼妹了。 最近荷包有点紧，还特地选了便宜的眼镜眶。

这就是现在的我啦！

不过，昨天还是买了隐形眼镜。等，眼睛的伤完全复原了再戴吧！ 现在就先做四眼妹啦！

方向

最近，刚动了眼睛的手术。 在家里休养了两个星期。觉得人懒洋洋的。刚开始工作，提不起劲来。原本，想到动了手术后就要好好策划买房子的事。 现在感觉好像自己还是处在假期的心情！

前面的方向好像有点模糊了。

我感觉有点灰。。。

想静静的哭。。

这不是伤感，
也不是难过，
或许是感伤，
就是，很想静静的一个人哭。
给自己安慰，
给自己勇气，
去面对前面的路，
就这样。

我们的路

走到这里，发现你给的不是爱情，
好像是感情，更像是友情，
更可悲的是我自做多情。。

新年好开心！

回古晋国华人新年，也就是我最开心的时候了。
可以和家人聚在一起，那种心情游子应该会了解吧！

CNY has always been the happiest moments of the year. This is when I get to go back home and spend some precious time with my family. These are some of the shots we had during our gathering....(ahh, 10 days holidays aren't enough at all!!)

Just 2 days ago, Adrian gave me a call on my cell and said; “阿姐，我想见你。。” A warmth feeling swept through my heart, this little monkey head, always know how to tackle my heart. Sometimes I feel that he is kind of annoying but at times, I really enjoy spending time with him. He has such incredible character.....which I think most people would love him after spending some time with him. He is definitely a crazy monkey, but yet meticulous towards details he comes over (and have a caring heart at times, erm this is when he is acting normal).

It's a shame that I couldn't spend time with him during his up being but my love and support is always here for him whenever he needs it.

I know it's another challenging year for myself and perhaps for many people. But, I guess I will get through it anyhow, hoping that everyone in my family would too...and so as you, who are reading this blog =)

Have a blessed Niu Year!

好累。。

最近，好像走到累了。。。
这条路，真的很不想走下去。
哭过，也伤心过，日子不是还要过的吗？

The Long Wait!!!

So finally the waiting has ended, we got our little "b" slip yesterday. Didn't give me much surprise, or should I erm say, expected. At this kind of economy situation, I guess I shouln't be expecting much? Well, I still got slightly more than what I have expected, and more than the norm. I think I should been grateful instead.


凡事礼让,
凡事忍耐,
凡事感恩,
活的更充实;
活的更自在!

I kena "hit" again, sigh

Last Friday, while I was driving home with my brinjal (purple colour kellisa) a Malay driver just came out in the middle of nowhere and hit the front right side of my car. The driver got out of the car, and started scolding me; I was puzzled.

He knocked my car and now I got scolded? I told him I don't want to argue on the road so we had agreed to make a police report. He kept insisting that it was my fault, so fine. He wrote down my phone number on a piece of paper, and while I was trying to key in his number into my phone, he just got into his car and drove away. What a @#$$%#!!! Sorry, I can't help it.

It happened again! Sigh, I was just thinking how could I be having such luck, with this car? I got hit for the 3rd times! Frustrated, I felt as if I could feel some negative force before this minor accident happened. Perhaps expected, Ox year is not a good year for me, even it's not even here yet! I am thinking, maybe I should mandi bunga??? duhhhh